WHEN A SONG IS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD …

CHAD  

You know how it goes.  You hear a song and you can’t get it out of your head.  It simply hits you at just the right moment.  It haunts you with its truth.  That’s how I felt when I first heard Rascal Flatts “How They Remember You”.  

“Did you stand or did you fall?

Build a bridge or build a wall

Hide your love or give it all

What did you do?” 

This chorus is a perfect example of living in the moment.  Do we wait until it’s to late to regret the moments we did not live?  Did we build bridges?  Did we spend our time building walls?  

As parents, this is so perfect.  Our example is what our children learn from.  They are always watching.  It is our example that they will build their fundamental truth from.  We are their moral compass.  We are their foundation.  This is the blessing and curse of parenting.  Every parent has their own experience that includes both angels and demons.  We get to choose what we pass onto and share with our children.  However, we don’t always get to choose what they remember.  

“It ain't if, it's how they remember you”

This message shows us a glimpse into our future and our past.  It ain’t “IF” it’s “HOW” they remember you.  There is a lot of freedom in this.  How this is relevant to parenting?  It is everything.  Our kids will remember things that we will forget by noon.  We get so busy in our own personal to-do list on a daily basis.  There is so much noise, that often we forget what is seen by others, including our kids.  However, sometimes we can be reminded to stop, adjust course, and maybe, just maybe build a bridge.  

“Did you make 'em laugh or make 'em cry?
Did you quit or did you try?
Live your dreams or let 'em die
What did you choose?” 

We’ve talked a lot about screen time, and the disconnect that it can cause in our relationships.  It’s easy to hide behind a text, an email, an emoji.  What we lose when we are buried in our own narrative is what someone else is feeling.  To know this is to dig a few levels deeper than a simple check-in.  It is common for our children to ask us for our time, but if the answer is “I’m too busy” or “maybe later” then eventually they will stop asking.  However, if we can reposition our response to their ask in a different way we can turn a wall into a bridge.  “I can’t play right now as I have to take call, however, how about after dinner we can do that for sure!”  This has the benefit of acknowledging our kids needs and also showing them that real life isn’t always an immediate reward.  Follow through is important.  The moments don’t have to be perfect.  In fact, a perfect moment should be cherished as they are rare.  The part that is important is “did you try?”.  Never stop trying.  Tomorrow is always another shot to improve upon yesterday!

“When you are down to your last dollar

Will you give or will you take?

When the stiff wind blows the hardest

Will you bend or will you break?” 

Moments are simply the time that we live in.  The problem with time is it is constantly moving forward, not backwards.  When it comes to our children, once a moment is gone, we do not get it back.  The same goes for our time with our parents, family and friends.  Too often I hear from friends that regret not having spent more time with their family, friends and especially their children.  I know that I regret time lost with my family as I moved away from home shortly after college and only have the opportunity to return a few times each year.  Each time I return, I know that I’ve missed important time that I can never get back.  While we can not change the past, there is still a future that is unwritten.  It is NEVER too late to reconnect, to engage and ultimately to choose to build a bridge. It’s often messy and rarely perfect.  However, the effort at connection and bridge building shows an example to our children of how we would like them to connect with us when roles are reversed.

As important as spending time with our children, is our children seeing what we choose to do with our time.  When our kids see us volunteer, they learn from us.  They learn giving is not only about money, it is about our time.  When our kids see us drop everything for a celebration with a friend such as a wedding, they see that there are life moments that are bigger than themselves that require their time.  When the chips are down, do they see you give up or do they see you pick yourself up?  Are you too proud to ask for help?  I’ve been there for sure.  Pride is a funny thing and something I am trying to not pass onto my children.  Everyone at some point in their life needs a helping hand.  “Will you give or will you take?”  The answer should be yes to both!  Relationships are, at their very core, given and take.  Let your kids see you show your love, not hide it.  Let your kids see you give your all.  Its ok!  In fact, its better than ok, it is foundational.

This past year has provided opportunity to reflect and evaluate what is most important to us.  It has been hard.  The struggle has not been fair, and in has certainly been harder for some more than others.  Coming out of this is an opportunity to build bridges.  If we have learned nothing else, we have learned that community is important, family is important.    

Parents, we have so much on our plates.  It is easy to build the wall and protect our personal space.  Daring to build, and to cross, a bridge with our children, our friends, our family is something that will prevent regret.  

It wasn't 'til I saw my daddy's name in stone, I knew
It ain't a question of if they will
It's how they remember you

The haunting truth about this song is that we will be remembered.  The gift of this song is that it provides a minute for pause and reflection, if we choose to listen, to change the future.  If we haven’t made that one phone call, then make it!  If we are not spending enough quality (not quantity) time with our children, find it.  If we can, make time to support a cause bigger than yourself in whatever capacity you are able.  The smallest of gestures can make a moment that is how you will be remembered.  Twenty minutes shooting hoops with your kid on Saturday mornings will be remembered.  Playing your favorite board game with your kid will be remembered.  Teaching how to play an instrument, showing up at their school play, or simply volunteering for their schools PTA will be remembered.  Taking your mom or dad out to breakfast … that’s a moment.  Let them talk.  You’ll learn about moments you didn’t know existed.  Go on that trip that you’ve talked about forever with an old friend.  It is NEVER too late.  Moments are what we make of them.