CONNECTING TO YOUR CHILDREN

LENELL

Recently I have noticed that my teenage daughter has developed a ninja-like skill where I turn around and she is no longer in the room.  Typically, she is found in her bedroom texting a friend, reading a book, or drawing.  The activities are not concerning except they don’t include me! Now I find myself trying to figure out how to draw out our exchanges to keep her engaged with me.  My jokes aren’t funny anymore, my concern is now perceived as annoying, and I’m often accused of poking her when I just am trying to reach out for affection.  Rationally I know it is part of being a teenager and I know I am officially in the same boat with other parents of teenagers – exiled to the little life raft and not allowed in on the fun and games happening on the cruise ship.  My daughter and I have always been close, and it is something I really value as a parent.  It gives me security to know she will come to me and talk to me if she needs support.  More than anything, I don’t want to lose that connection.

So, what does being connected to your children mean?  There is the togetherness of being in the same room watching a show, there is the togetherness you experience playing a board game, then there are those moments of meaningful conversation.  Teenagers value their privacy so it is easy for general parent enquiries to be misinterpreted as opening interrogation techniques.  You may get the one word response that seems to be a teen’s foolproof way to terminate any discourse.  This past week there was a heavier homework load, and I realized a simple routine event was missing.  Normally we cook dinner together.  It allows us to be engaged in an activity where we both rely on each other to achieve an end goal.  I know its only dinner, but it’s true!  We have to communicate and work together.  In between we joke around, make comments about our day, sometimes listen to a podcast, and discuss our viewpoints.  It’s a sustained interaction and she doesn’t feel she is under the spotlight because we have a shared activity we are focused on.  Even better, we all have to eat so it’s not like I suggested, “Let’s play a card game!” which may or may not elicit eye rolls or rejection. 

I know it is going to be different as she grows up.  She is going to want to share experiences with her friends and I won’t always get to do everything with her.  I can have a consistent connection by making the most out of our daily routines and being actively present.  Next up, French toast for breakfast!

TRISHA

I think we have the exact opposite situation with our 7 year old … He’s ALWAYS THERE!

Different stages of a kid’s life bring different challenges, that’s for sure.  And different aspects of that stage tend to drive you crazy!  He’s first up every morning, and even though he doesn’t have an alarm clock, he pops into our room the instant we sit up.  (I mean, the same instant…it’s almost like he’s watching us!  Through two walls!)  He rarely spends any time in any room by himself, and makes “the sad face” if we ever have meetings or phone calls we have to take while he’s home and awake.  This past year has certainly brought a new dynamic to the schedule.  Our school district has flipped back and forth between in-person and online learning, and that’s been a huge challenge for him.  Right now, he’s back in the building 4 days a week and it makes all the difference for him, AND us.  Just that slight bit of separation give us parents just enough breathing room to gear up for the next round.  He’s always been an “intense” kid, needing and demanding a lot of attention from everyone in the family.  Which isn’t a bad thing, by any means, just overwhelming sometimes.  I still sometimes feel that “don’t touch me!” feeling that permeates the baby and toddler years!

Eventually, I’m sure we’ll reach LenEll’s perspective, and it will be even more profound with our last child.  Our oldest will be off to college when this guy is only in eighth grade, and that will be an adjustment for all of us.  I’m sure I’ll miss the time spent on the reading log minutes and the school project of the moment (this week it’s the Valentine’s cards and mailbox). I don’t know that I’ll ever miss a 6:30 am wake up/welcome, but the seven year old hugs are the best.  We’ll have to make sure we actively pursue time together as he gets older.

CHAD

Our 12 year old has a couple of really great friends.  There isn’t a day that he wouldn’t rather spend his free time hanging on the deck (masked and distanced) with them instead of us.  That’s ok.  There is more flexibility needed now more than ever.  The challenge is time management on his part, and seeing him find every way imaginable to zone out of our real world for a virtual one.  Air pods, iPad, video games are preferred to living in the reality zone of our family room. 

As a dad, I try to pick my moments.  One is chess.  He won the other night for the first time!  The game is a rite of passage - it is a game I enjoyed playing with my dad growing up.  Another moment is throwing the football, or playing a game of hoops to 11.  Emerging skills, but it’s relaxing, non-screen time and allows for very real conversations.  When exerting physical energy, neither of us have time to really pause and think, we just simply talk and listen.  While I favor pulling him away from a screen at any opportunity, especially in a virtual learning world, I also try to find the moments that meet his interests.  Movies, bike rides, and yes … playing video games (so rough 😉)

I am pretty tough on him.  He has his chores, homework to do, and he has to set aside time to spend with his little brother.  I sat down to help him set a schedule in his calendar app.  It was a bit of a moment for him when he saw his commitments laid out hour by hour on a 7 day view.  I was surprised at how well he adopted the idea and all of a sudden, his stress level went down.  The garbage was taken out without asking.  His trumpet has made an appearance for practice.  I see him working out 3-4 days a week for 15 minutes on his own.  He is starting to develop an awareness of the need to balance his time.  Since I was shocked at how scheduled he was already, we agreed that he needed time to play chess with Dad and to have quiet, non-screen time; so his bedtime pushed back by an hour to give him some breathing room. 

There is no playbook right now.  I firmly believe that quantity time does not mean quality.  I try to go for the simple moments that we both will remember and to make sure to stay engaged as best I can with where he is at.